Lessons of Life as a Dad--Lesson Thirteen

I remember a time when Luke was in his mid-teens that he asked us for permission to attend his first "secular" rock concert with some of his friends. He had earned our trust over and over again through his growing up years and I distinctly recall the intuitive impression, in that particular moment, that this decision, and how it would be made, was somehow critical in our developing relationship. Terri and I had bought into the concept that it was important to extend to our children progressive freedoms and opportunities to make some choices and take some risks that were not necessarily our preferences for them. And...that they would experience this liberty while they were still living at home...even if it was a mistake...of the "non-life threatening" sort, of course. The "rubber was hitting the road" and testing this conviction that day.

We were conscious that, in short order, our teenage kids would be out from under our roof and would then be confronted with an amazing degree of freedom and we didn't want that dynamic to be overly shocking to their systems. (Through the years, we both had seen really good kids "go crazy" after suddenly leaving home environments where they had been "hovered over" by fearful and overly-strict parents.) We wanted them to cultivate their personal conscience before God, who is the only Person who sees us and is with us 24/7. The ironic thing about the extra-biblical taboos that religious groups often develop and impose, it that they, in the end, actually stunt the growth of personal conscience rather than strengthen it. We all know that our faith is not essentially a "code" or a long list of "do's and don't's", but a vulnerable and personal relationship with a Friend who indwells us...as well as with One who dwells in the transcendent and eternal beauties of deep heaven. There are appropriate times to allow our growing children to sharpen their judgment, discernment and conscience by exercising their gift of choice in the sight of God and not in the "sight" of their parents. They need to be confronted by and discover for themselves that God is a "living" God who hears their cries for help, delivers them from temptation and provides direction. If they would fail to make wise judgments in this environment, then loving parents would be there, on the scene, to help, counsel and even restore them in the aftermath.

It turned out that we gave Luke the freedom to make his own choice that day, even though we let him know that we weren't excited about him going. (I can't remember who the band was or why we didn't really endorse the event.) He did go and it didn't harm a thing! There were other similar situations after that, when he chose to lean into our advice...but he really appreciated the freedom we bestowed on him and, I believe, respected us all the more as a result. Great relationships are always built on trust, affection and respect. In the end, God has used Luke's exposure to all kinds of music to enhance and develop his own musical talents and he is now a professional guitarist, recording artist, producer and teacher of the craft. He also married a professional musician and vocalist, Rebekah, and they are both quite "hot"--no parental hype! They recently collaborated on and produced a wonderful lullaby CD entitled, Little Lambs and Lullabies. You can check it out at: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=98191325

Lessons of Life as a Dad--Lesson Twelve

Some of Terri's and my greatest hopes and heart-felt prayers for our oldest three children (Luke, Lisa and Sam) have been met and answered by our heavenly Father in a most gratifying way. As they entered into their serious dating relationships with the three people who would ultimately become their spouses (Rebekah, James and Caitlin), they welcomed us (and the other sets of parents too) into their romantic journey's in a very meaningful way. What a mind-blowing honor that has been. They sought out our counsel and advice, they prayed with us, they were humble, vulnerable and transparent with us about their romantic growing pains and they shared with us their relational joys and triumphs. What more could parents ask for?

As a result, each couple now has the wholehearted support and blessing of both sets of their parents and all the good will and relational resources in the extended family that have naturally flowed back to them. All of the parents involved (the Swift's, the Hoskins' and the Merwin's) know what a blessing this is from God and do not take credit for this. We all know great parents who have not experienced this particular blessing. I guess all of us get our "special kisses" from the Father. On our end, I do think back on how our kids substantially "bought into" our philosophy of how to engage in and pace a potentially romantic relationship long before the "real one" came along--not that there weren't any bumps in the road for them.

Today, I'm thinking back on how James and Lisa approached their romance with intention and principle, at every stage...from a special mutual attraction...to getting to know the other as friends...to deliberately entering into a year-long "steady" relationship to see if there might be a future together...to James asking me if he could ask Lisa to marry him with my blessing...to a joy-filled six month engagement...to their walking down the aisle to say "I do, 'till death parts us" on a extremely romantic snowy night last January. They did this with a wonderful and graceful cadence that was full of divine rhythm and endorsement at every turn. (Luke & Beka and Sam & Cait have similar love stories to tell.) How glad they all are now that they embraced the loving wisdom and disciplines of Christ's ways and kingdom that initiate, govern and guard healthy romances and happy marriages.

Now we only have two sons left to "marry off"...but not yet! Say some prayers for us and we will for you.

Following is a excerpt from an email James Hoskins, our son-in-law sent out yesterday. Maybe you'd enjoy seeing some of the stuff he's been writing and an interview with him on a recent podcast.

"On that same note, I have been doing more writing in the Philosophy of Science area; particularly concerning the "evolution vs. intelligent design" debate. The website that featured my story "Confession" a few months back has asked me to become a regular writer/blogger for them. You can read two other things I've written for them since then here http://www.arn.org/_idarts/wordpress/. In addition to that, the Discovery Institute, a think-tank based out of Seattle, interviewed me for their weekly podcast on Intelligent Design. You can listen to the interview here http://www.idthefuture.com/. I felt greatly honored (and a bit out of place) to be given that opportunity since they usually interview only scientists and doctors."

Lessons of Life as a Dad--Lesson Eleven

Alright...what are the three mysterious T's! They are very simple observations of how people of the opposite sex (or the same sex for that matter) bond with one another. They are: Time, Talking and Touching. I have watched the romantic journey's of many younger and older people alike through over thirty years of pastoral ministry and the three T's are always primary operative dynamics within these relationships.

Before I say more about them, I have to begin by saying that we spoke with our kids about the naturalness and normalcy (because of the way that God has designed us) of having "romantic attractions" to the opposite sex--sometimes even from very young ages. I was smitten by Dale Evans as a 5 year old even though she was married to Roy Rodgers! (Her granddaughter, Mindy Peterson, became a friend of ours before Dale passed away and Mindy told her about my childhood crush on her and Dale gave me a signed copy of one of her books. :-) We spoke with our children not to be embarrassed about these feelings (even though they still struggled with this), but to acknowledge them without shame. I explained to them that we are capable of having romantic attractions toward any number of people along our way in life. The challenge is not to repress these feelings, but to "steward" and "process" them well in the sight of God and people. It's what we do with such emotions and attractions that will make the difference between failure and success in our honoring of God, parents and others. Once they "bought into" and "personally internalized" the reality that they were unwilling and unable to pursue a "serious" romantic relationship in their youth, it was a manageable step for them to intentionally plan and discipline themselves to "keep it cool," romantically speaking, in their early teen and even into their twenty-something years.

People bond romantically to others by engaging in the three T's. They spend time together (especially by being together for long hours in private or semi-private situations). They talk at length directly to one another about the deeper and deepest contents of their hearts--even spiritual things. And...they touch one another in affectionate or intimate ways. The simple and obvious plan for slowing down and/or pacing a romantic relationship, until the proper time for engagement and marriage has come, is to place deliberate limits and boundaries on relating to another person in these specific ways. So to answer my kids' question about how to get a plan to "not fall in love" until they wanted to and to maintain their sexual purity, I was able, (thus far!) to help them in a concrete and practical fashion.

It's amazing to see how both unmarried and married people (emotional affairs almost always precede sexual ones) often plunge headlong into relating to someone of the opposite sex, who is not yet, or not, their spouse, engage in these bonding behaviors without any apparent conscious intention to "fall in love" with them and then be surprised that shortly they, and/or the other person, has "fallen head over heels in love"--hello! A lot of young teens pretend that they're seriously committed to their boyfriend/girlfriend so they can feel better about acting like they're going to be married one day. People also often play head games with themselves or others and are simply lying to themselves and/or another about their deeper motives and desires.

There are a lot of sexual brokenness and unhealthy basic identity issues present in the vast populace of our family-fragmented culture. Our families and churches (extended spiritual families--large or small) must become equipped to bring the healing and restoring power of Jesus Christ into the broken hearts of our children and fellow believers to bring some sanity and joy back into an over-sexed and "boundary-less" society that is now reaping the fruit of relational paradoxes and confusion that have been sown by the seeds of deliberate deviation from both common sense and the wisdom of the Scriptures.

A good place for us to begin is by consistently and gracefully influencing our children into the winsome ways of Jesus--the Prince of Life.

Lessons of Life as a Dad--Lesson Ten

The "Three T's" are rather infamous in our family history. They relate to a teaching and a tract on romance that I wrote and taught to young people in our church community through the years. Of course, as my kids got older I also "shopped" the ideas out to them too...I couldn't resist! I remember asking each of my early teenage kids some very penetrating questions.
The personal conversations would typically go something like this:

"Hey...(Luke, Lisa, Sam, Mike or Steve)...do you want to fall in love with someone when you're 15?"
The boys definitely said, "No way, Dad!" So did Lisa.
"How about 16?"
"No!"
"Why not?"
"Come on, Dad, that's too young to fall in love. I wouldn't be ready to get married at that age...or even engaged. There are too many things to do before I would be ready for being 'in love' for real."
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely." (Then a strategic break in the conversation would typically occur.)

"So...do you also want to be a virgin when you get married?" (The angst would always rise a bit at this point!)
"Uh...yea..sure..of course I do."
"Why?"
"Come on Dad! Because...like you've taught us before...sex is a special and powerful gift that is protected by marriage...like keeping something valuable in a safe until you're ready to use it for the right time and purpose...do we have to talk about this???"
"Just a little longer. I just wanted to know what your plan is for not falling in love until you want to and for keeping your gift of sex in it's safe place until you're married."
"What...I need a plan?"
"I think so."
"Why?"
"Because people, even really young people, 'fall in love' very quickly and easily without even trying...or at least act like they have...and many of them lose their virginity long before they're ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage and family. In fact, most of the people in the culture around us don't think it's realistic for a young person to remain a virgin until they're married."
"Wow, Dad. I guess I've never thought about like this before."
"Well...that's why I asked." (Pregnant pauses were normal at this point in the conversation.)

"So Dad."
"Yes?"
"How can I get a plan to 'not fall in love' or 'have sex' until the right time?"
"I'm so glad you've asked! It revolves around three T's."
"What are the "three T's?"
"I'll tell you about them in our next talk!"
"Daaad.......!"

Lessons of Life as a Dad--Lesson Nine

When adolescence arrives, cognitive development in the brain and the drive to individuate from parents (and their teachings) merge and often cause a young person to seriously question their childhood belief in and their experiences with the Almighty. What once were mysteries about God and His universe that stimulated and stirred their hearts as little children can become seemingly irresolvable unreasonable concepts to their active and inquiring minds. This is especially true as they experience and observe more injustices in our broken world and also more serious disappointments in life.

I believe that this struggle can be a very important and even, vital, part of their larger spiritual journey over a lifetime. I have heard that if one tries to help a butterfly out of it's cocoon out of compassion for it's struggle, one can actually seal it's premature death. The given reason for this is that the butterfly's wings develop the necessary strength for them to function properly in "flight" though it's "fight" to emerge from the cocoon.

I remember speaking to my kids about the possibility of doubts that they might encounter as they transitioned into young adulthood. (Terri and I were careful to assure them that we were not worried about them "keeping up an image" of spirituality or perfection because their Daddy was a minister. There was enough of this pressure that just "came with the territory" without us adding any extra weight to it. We tried to communicate to them that we were infinitely more concerned about their journey as children of God.)

This then is the kind of advice that I gave them.

"Try not to freak out if doubts about spiritual things begin to rise up in your hearts--this is very normal. Many great Christians before you have gone through such soul searching. Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed if this happens. Also know that we are here for you to listen to your heart anytime you want to talk about such troubling feelings and/or questions. We will never lay a guilt trip on you because of these things. Jesus said, 'ask (and keep on asking) and you will receive.' There are answers to be found for the most difficult questions that may initially seem absolutely unanswerable to you. Any question or doubt that you can ever imagine has already been asked by many before you--so you're not alone. And...a lot of very highly educated and brilliant people are dedicated believers in Jesus and the Scriptures and have even written books about such questions and the answers they discovered in their struggle."

"When you were little everything was very simplistic, but there is a simple and refined wisdom that can only come on the heels of working through complexity. God 'plays hide and seek' with humanity and He loves to play and then lose the 'game'...just like I did when I first started playing hide and seek with you as a toddler! It's all for 'love's sake'...to create the tension of apparent loss and the joy and passion of personal experiential discovery. God is very secure in His reality (His name is 'I AM'!) and can absorb any blows of doubt you may sincerely land on His massive chest in your struggle and frustration. Pour your heart out to Him--even the writers of the Scriptures did this--He is not offended by this."

"And finally, (after I heard and applied the wise advice of my dear older brother in Christ, John Gilman) no matter what, don't give up on love. If you find true love...and receive it and give it back...you will ultimately find God because God is Love."

Life Lessons as a Dad--Lesson Eight

[The picture above is of our kids at Christmas '05: Luke, Steve, Rebekah (Luke's wife), Sam in back and Mike and Lisa in front. Lisa's husband, James, and Sam's wife, Caitlin, hadn't come along yet. And of course...Steve is massive now!]

The next stage of our kids growth that often holds a critical spiritual turning point for them is when they are going through puberty.

Here they begin their "individuation" process and often experience doubts about the faith of their early childhood (and the faith "handed" to them by their parents!) as they become more capable of abstract thinking and peer influence begins to exert itself. These changes actually set the stage for a deeper commitment to Jesus and His kingdom to emerge in their lives...if we have eyes to see it and trust the Lord as we journey boldly with them into adolescence.

In my experience, the "youth" of every generation look for some ways to distinguish themselves from the older generation...and that youth culture will certainly find our kids...is that an understatement or what?! Parents need to be careful not to over-react to such a tendency in their teenage children by over-protecting them from being exposed to the reality of the "youth culture" in the world around them. Knee-jerk reactions can really hurt the parent/child connection that God Himself is testing and developing. Even that great apostle Paul confessed, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." (1 Cor 13:11-12) I recommend that parents find grace in their hearts to let their kids be kids and tolerate some of the "childishness" that they will inevitably manifest in this awkward transitional season of their lives. We ought not expect them to think and behave like minature adults. Come on...hormones are raging, thoughts are racing, emotions are rising and falling, bodies are morphing, self-images are being challenged to the core. Let's give them a break!

We sought to prepare our kids for these the experience of "individuation" by helping them anticipate these feelings and thoughts and by framing the process as a good and necessary part of their growing up...we told them what they would experience before it started to happen. This helped to diffuse their energy around the temptation to "prove" to us (and themselves and their peers) that they didn't "need" us so much anymore. We "smiled at their future" and warmly welcomed those "teen years"...that many uptight older Christian parents had warned us were coming. We began to deliberately give them more freedom to make personal preference choices and express their unique tastes in non-essential "cultural" matters...styles of clothing, hair length and color (oh my!), favorite music styles, etc. ...all within healthy, proper, but flexing and expanding, boundaries. One time I inadvertently got Lisa in a bit of trouble at her conservative Christian school because I shaved the back of her head beneath the longer hair above it that would cover the shaved patch--I thought it looked cool. We didn't know it was apparently against the unwritten rules of the school! (Through the years I developed my barbering talents and I always cut my own kids hair--we actually bonded through this and we saved a lot of money too.) Lisa and I had some good laughs about that event.

It's interesting now to look back and see that our kids never felt the need to go to any unhealthy extremes in expressing their youthfulness. When certain harmless and benign youth fads would sweep through our culture, we allowed them to "touch" and "be touched by" them. I think that this approach actually helped them to never feel the need to plunge headlong into some strange rebellious or destructive trend. We didn't want to create an intensified intrigue around the "worldly", "forbidden fruit"...it wasn't worth focusing upon. (We "yawned" at most of their little fads.) However, I do remember subtly challenging each of them (during those informal philosophical talks we would have) to be their own person and "lightly resent" the fact that those evil and greedy advertisers... :-) ... on Madison Avenue were already plotting how to manipulate their personal perception of "coolness" for the next year. I encouraged them to revolt..."Everyone now join in....We don't give a rip what label is on our hip!" I spoke to them of the insecurities and foolishness behind "conforming" to the soulless herd...even the "non-conforming" youth herd...to find our sense of worth.

More to come on adolescence...crushes; spiritual doubts; family "contracts".

Lessons of Life as a Dad--Lesson Seven

It was a particular difficult day in the life of 3 1/2 year old Luke Sullivant. A series of emotional fits had occurred throughout that fateful day. Terri was worn out from having to deal with his outbursts, but it was now bedtime and things had quieted down. Luke looked up into the eyes of his weary mother and stated with very clear and certain conviction, "Da debul is trying to keep me from gettin' to God." Whoa! Terri knew a "magic moment" was at hand. She looked him back in the eyes and flatly stated, "The devil doesn't have the power to do that, Luke. Nothing can stop the love of God from getting to you. Jesus made the bridge for us to get to God when He died for our sins on the cross and then came back alive from the dead. And... you can pray tonight for Jesus to come into your heart and He will come in. All you have to do is ask Him and believe." Our boy Luke prayed the "sinner's prayer" that night. Terri and I can both testify to the reality that he was a deeply transformed little person after that night. From the next morning on, the goal and joy of his life became the desire to honor God the Father and Jesus the Son and even us...his parents. He has never significantly or seriously deviated from that spiritual center from that day--now almost 25 years later.

I have been watching the spiritual pathways of many children throughout my years of ministry. I've noticed some typical turning points at various stages of their lives that have been quite helpful to some fellow parents along the way. Of course, these are not "iron clad" principles without exceptions. Here is the first stage.

When children are about 4-6 years old:

Needless to say, we believe that very young children can experience the "new birth". (All five of our children came to personal intelligent faith in Jesus between the ages of 3 1/2 and 5.) Little children's consciences can become convinced of their need for Jesus to become their Savior and Lord and will somewhere along the way, typically, be willing to ask Him into their hearts...for real. I have seen the genuine evidences of the spiritual transformation of many young hearts by the grace of the Christ and the ministry of the Holy Spirit. A lot of our friends in Christ confirm this in relating their own family members' conversion stories. (By the way, most people who come to faith in Jesus, do so before the age of 18.)

It's also a time to begin to pour into their young and open hearts and minds the amazing Bible stories, fun and memorable worship music for kids (my adult kids can still remember numerous GT and the Halo Express songs!), key passage memorization, nighttime prayers, great Christian children's literature and all other kinds of God-stories from our lives, our friends' lives and from history. Their young and adventurous hearts will thrive on these wonderful stories, themes and truths. I also encourage water baptism (at an age that they will be able to recall as adults), the laying on of hands and all the rest of the stuff that goes with laying solid foundations for their spiritual lives and their futures.

Even if our children don't have a clear "conversion" experience (Luke doesn't remember his) it is still good, right and wise to instruct our them in the ways of the Lord Jesus. We, at least, are creating "forms" that we can pray for the Holy Spirit to fill with "substance" in His time. Many, many people have said that after they have had a more adult conversion experience, the things they learned about Jesus and the Bible as children came alive to them...and they are grateful for their childhood spiritual instruction and the influence of their believing parents and various kinds of school teachers.

Some parents probably balk at creating such a powerful influence on their young and impressionable children, but I say "they're our kids" and, if no one else, God has called us, who have the personal knowledge of eternal life, to impress our own offspring with the beauty of God in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I say, don't hold back from praying for your children and grandchildren to come to faith in Jesus at early ages and sensitively leading them to Him when their "magic moments" are in the air.

Lessons of Life as a Dad--Lesson Six

I had a wonderful experience in speaking two days ago with my son, Mike, who is headed away from home to help lead a bunch of younger boys at Kanakuk, a Christ-centered sports camp, and then immediately to attend Manhattan Christian College and Kansas State--a dual degree being the goal. (He'll also play for MCC's excellent soccer team.) We were anticipating the many changes that he is (and Terri and I are) preparing to encounter in this new phase of his life and then also looking back on his years being reared in our home. I was asking him for his input and insight into my style of relating to him as a father. I was interested in knowing if he felt that I had pursued him well and had taught him enough things and the right things.

There were several very affirming things we were able to say to one another. (Like the timeliness of our "serious talks"..i.e. not too many!...my involvement with and enthusiastic support of him in his childhood activities and the interest I took in his friends' lives.) But one thing stood out to us both as we reminisced on our family experience.

I can best say it the way that I read about it in a book I recently read called, The Anatomy of Peace, a collaborative effort written by the Arbinger Institute. One main point they make is that we tend to focus on "correcting what is wrong"...especially when there is relational tension or challenge...instead of focusing on "helping things go right" in the broader context of the overall relationship. It relates to creating an atmosphere of peace...first in our own hearts, then into the relational mix and finally into any "problem solving" that becomes necessary.

God has kindly blessed our family by minimizing "strife" and granting us a measurable degree of "peace" in the prevailing environment of our home. (If we have failed, it is probably that we didn't learn how to express our frustrations and offenses a bit more openly. But I'm not sure...I'm still praying and talking through this one.) This provided the needed "breathing room" for the members of our family to live from their hearts without fear of any major rejections or injustices coming back upon them. As parents, we have been careful to "choose our battles wisely" because we can't create the kind of atmosphere that "helps things go right" in our homes and...that children need to flourish as human beings under God...if we are constantly "picking fights" by finding fault with and striving over the relatively minor imperfections, annoyances, unfulfilled personal preferences, immaturities, mistakes, foibles and anything or everything that tends to "bug us".

To capitalize on a rather humorous saying of Jesus--we will inevitably end up swallowing "camels" if we attempt to strain out all the "gnats" of family life! If we become angry, intolerant and petty as parents/siblings, we may "strain out the gnats" and get our way, but we will "swallow the camels" of losing our connection with our kids' hearts. The "art of graceful gnat swallowing" is needful if we want the forward movement that comes from "riding" the camels of our lives instead of being seen "ingesting" them!

Lessons of Life as a Dad--Lesson Five

Terri and I have a famous parental prayer that we have prayed many times beyond the most frequently prayed, "HELP GOD!" We seriously asked the Lord to teach our children major lessons of life through minor failures or setbacks in life. That God would not allow that devastating events and breakdowns be necessary for them and us to get into the frames of mind and spirit that He desired. (And...as I write this...I realize that there have been a few devastating events that have occurred in our extended family that don't seem to relate to a need to "learn a lesson". I insert this because this is obviously not a rigid law of life that I am addressing here.)

In those moments in which they would come face to face with their vulnerability as a weak human being, we, as parents, would seek to be alert and then uncover "the bigger redemptive story" that God was possibly (sometimes even clearly) intending to write on their hearts through their poor choices, the injustices of others toward them or challenging/painful circumstances beyond anyone's control. And...it seems to us as we now look back that He really honored that prayer big time.

One way to take advantage of this "training tool" is to take the time with our kids in those teachable moments to to talk openly and personally with them about what they are experiencing--conviction of sin, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, rejection, isolation, failure, anger, fear, despair, vengeance, envy, etc. and then help them find in Jesus and in Scripture the truths and experiences that will comfort and release their hurting hearts into the Father's hands. These moments can be too easily minimized, discounted and overlooked--often because of the emotional awkwardness's for both us and our kids that are typically associated with them. It is this tension that we must confront and surmount to minister to their need if we are to succeed in this particular point of training. And for another reason...dare I mention the speed of our lifestyles?

I remember many times in which my children (both at younger and older ages) would end up in my arms with tears of relief rolling down their cheeks because they felt they could interact directly and freely with us and, more profoundly, with God--the Biggest Daddy--who absorbs the pains of our lives into His Being and mysteriously comforts us in the "melting down" process of it all.

Lessons of Life as a Dad--Lesson Four

"God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble."--The Apostle James

"Love covers a multitude of sins."--The Apostle Peter

Terri had been through a very long and taxing 24 hour labor and delivery and she was bleeding excessively. As the docs were working to stop her bleeding, I held Luke in my hands for the first time. I was weeping profusely--a mixture of gratitude his life and concern for Terri's. I was also captivated by the thought of having been given the power to "co-create" an eternal soul with the help of God himself. I was honored by being given the privilege of "discipling" someone from scratch--something I was anticipating with great joy. But poor Luke! (Bless you, son, for enduring..and overcoming...some of my early experiments in "Christian" parenting!)

Most parents I know speak about how tough they were on their first child. I remember being afraid that we were going to ruin Luke's very soul if we didn't discern and correct every mistake and imperfection he exhibited as a little boy. We were so confident in his capacity to become a "spoiled brat"--even as an infant! Talk about being ultra-intense...man, we really caught that virus!

Fortunately for both our kids and us, we learned early on that we didn't have all the wisdom we needed to be great parents and we found that being perfect parents was not something that either God or our kids expected of us. Ironically, some of the most tender moments in my relationship with my kids have come when I needed to humble myself before them and seek their forgiveness for failing them in some way. Pretending to be "the perfect parent" is actually counter-productive to being a good and wise parent.

Only God can love our kids the way they were created to be loved and we must not shield them from their need for him and his love by inadvertently attempting to become a "god" for them or to them. (I wonder if this subtle problem is at the root of the inability of many historic fervent spiritual movements to pass on their faith in a vital way to subsequent generations?) The heavenly Father is a "jealous" Deity and he isn't excited about an earthly parent presuming to take his place in the lives of these little ones he has made! Getting this straight helps us to simply release our strong and necessary, but imperfect, parental love into our kids' hearts. This mix of real, but still human, love is then folded into the God-story and God-journey of their lives. It's especially humbling to discover that some of the pain in their hearts created by our parental imperfections can actually help lead our kids to Jesus. (This is not an excuse to become an unloving parent, but it remains a fact nonetheless.) Still, our underlying unconditional love for our children is a powerful force for good in their lives and in this broken world. May God give us the grace to model well the receiving in and giving out of the kind of love that covers a multitude of mistakes.